Jillian

St. Louis, Missouri

Mine happened, let’s see, it feels like it was yesterday but it was a long time ago. The pregnancy came out of nowhere, we were not expecting it at all. You know I was 22 and not ready for that, and it was not that I didn’t ever want children in my life, I always did, it was just that I didn’t expect it that young. I was like, Ok, I’m going to do this the right way and be the person that I should be in this situation and take care of a life and I’m gonna make this work. I don’t know how but I’m going to make it work.

And it was twelve weeks in and I had just started a new job, I had only been there a week, and was just starting full-time to get health insurance. It was a great job. I went to the bathroom and there was blood and I was like, Oh no. What am I doing, what’s happening? 

I called my friend right when I got off work, she was one of the only people that knew. I called her and said 'come with me, I don’t know whats going on. I’m nervous and pretty much alone with this.' She came with me and I waited in the E.R. waiting room for almost eight hours. I was so disappointed. I had come there for help. I was so frustrated that they did not seem to make it an imperative matter. I finally got mad and told them I need scrubs after sitting in my bloody clothes. They brought me scrubs and took me back shortly after. They told me it was a threatened miscarriage but hadn’t actually happened. That I just need to take it easy and I will probably be alright. So I went home and took it easy. 

Sure enough four days later I bled again and went by myself to the E.R. because no one was available that knew, and I didn’t want to tell anyone else. I only waited about 30 minutes this time and then I was back there forever and they did all kinds of tests and ultrasounds. I felt like I was being poked and prodded and just wanted them to tell me what’s going on. Finally the doctor came in and said, I am sorry to tell you, you miscarried and I’m so sorry for your loss. And then he walked out. I just wanted to get out of there. I was alone, I had been there hours at this point.

The nurse came in and unhooked everything and said, Do you have someone that can drive you? So I called a friend who happened to be off work and came and got me. And that was it.

Even if it wasn’t an expected pregnancy or whether it was trying, it was still a loss and at that point at thirteen weeks in, I was preparing for a baby. No one really knew what to say. I hadn’t told my family. It was just a crazy situation. Who do I go to to talk about this? And nothing ever came of it. I just kind of suffered in silence. I was a really social person, I was used to going out all the time and being around people all the time and after that I happened I just became a homebody. I stayed home more often. I lived two blocks from the beach and would go to the beach by myself and just sit there and try to go over it. I didn’t know who to talk to, where to go, and if you look it up on the internet you find “this is why this happened”, but I want to know how I can handle this. It was definitely a weird time in life. It definitely impacted me as a person. Even if pregnancy was unexpected you don’t realize what you are losing until you‘ve got it and it happens. It’s just like, you know, it’s gone. What do I do? So that is pretty much my story. I never really talked about it to anyone…maybe a couple of my close, close friends but even now I don’t tell a lot of people about it. Not just because I don’t want to but you know you don’t know how to bring it up unless someone else has experienced a loss.

I think living close to the beach helped. I was able to just sit, it is very peaceful and serene there so I think that kept me on the calmer side because there are a lot of emotions going. One day I could just cry all the time, and one day I could just scream. I think having the beach there really helped. 

I remember telling my mom because the day before I miscarried I had called my mom and she was unavailable and I left her a message. She called me back while I was at the hospital with the miscarriage situation and I talked to her about it afterwards. She had experienced miscarriage and all she could say was I am so sorry and I know what you are going through. And she didn’t have any suggestions other than stay positive and be around people who love you. Which helped, but I wanted more concrete support because my mom lived in Missouri and I lived in Florida I couldn’t just go over and be like, Mommy, hold me. 

Not a lot of people knew what to say or do. One analytical friend would almost make it a scientific discussion as we both wanted to be in the medical field. I understand why that happened, but how do you cope? Sometimes having answers to the “why” helps, but you just want the other side of it too…the emotional side.

My doula job? Seeing birth and new life come into the world, even though it has no connection to me, but seeing it through other people’s experiences and being present in the moment for it, has really helped me heal. As far as seeing life come into the world…you get to see all the sudden there is one more person in the room, and it’s a pretty healing experience if you’ve suffered any kind of loss. It changed me. For every death there is life. 

The (doula) timing now has really been good. It has helped me out for sure. No, I’m not like perfect, but I have definitely healed up a lot since then. And time has helped. You’re able to think things through, I guess, and just realize that there is nothing that you did wrong. It’s nature and unfortunately sometimes you experience loss. You just have to know how to cope with it and that is what the time has brought. 

I still don’t have many resources at my hands as their aren’t very many to help someone through that. A bereavement doula is still a pretty new thing. It would have been cool to have that when going through that experience. Someone who knows how to help you and how to talk you through it because it is traumatic and you can’t always express it. 

My mom. Definitely. She has become... it's funny how people tell you you’ll be your mom’s best friend when you grow up and you think that’s weird... but as I’ve gotten older it’s definitely come true. She’s wonderful.